


Fools

by Teenageoblivion



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Dating, F/M, Fluff, High School, It just gets progressively sadder, Love, Love Triangles, Out of Character, Reader-Insert, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-14
Updated: 2018-04-08
Packaged: 2018-07-24 01:05:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 14,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7487343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teenageoblivion/pseuds/Teenageoblivion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It started with a deal, where you'd be getting exactly what you wanted - who you wanted.<br/>It was just a stupid deal...<br/>How did it end up like this?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In The Shallow Of Your Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Well this is the most cheesy and cliché thing I've ever written but I'm just experimenting with ideas right now and trying to complete something other than a oneshot - heads up for out of character behavior

"Good morning!"

His chirpy voice filled your ears, as you groaned wondering as you did everyday how someone could be _so_ cheerful when it was so _early_.

"Well, babe, aren't you just a _delight_?" He continued, as he tickled you to get you out of bed, resulting in you tumbling onto the floor.

"First of all, I'm not your babe. Second of all, fuck you very much." You grumbled, as your neighbor chuckled.

"Yeah, i know, I know. The only one who gets to call you babe is Bucky. Not that he ever will, since you basically run the other way whenever you see him."

"Not of all of can be born in to perfection, Steve. If I could charm my way to his heart, I would but I'm no you."

"I didn't always look like this," It used to be something he was embarrassed of, but now it's been so long he's almost forgotten what it felt like.

"I didn't see you then, but I know that. I'm not talking about your physique, Steve. I'm talking about the way you talk, the way you smile, the way you laugh. You always make people feel better, that's why they love you so." You found yourself spilling more than you ever had. You quietly cursed the morning for making you say such things even if you knew it had nothing to do with the time of the day.

"And here I thought you were in love with Bucky," Steve lightened the mood, picking up on your uncomfortable stance.

And you suppose you were in love with Bucky. He was perfect. His laugh, his words, his face, his eyes - everything was beautiful. You caught yourself wondering about what it was like to cause him to laugh, to hear his sweet words, to look into his eyes and touch his face more times than you could count, but the truth was you're not sure you'll ever find out. At the end of the day, he's still perfect and you're still you and that alone is enough to make you realize you might not ever be enough for him. So instead you watch from afar, just enough to satiate your need, just enough that he doesn't notice.

"Well, see if you went out with me as I've been pestering you to do for so long, you wouldn't feel all that. I'd be good to you and you _know_ it." Steve stated, as he always did whenever the topic of your infatuation with James Buchanan Barnes was brought up, breaking you out of you reverie. 

"I want _him_ , it's just that I don't know how to tell him. That won't change if I go out with you." You see Steve's smile waver but the truth needs to be said. 

He reaches his hand towards your face, caressing it. You close your eyes, reveling in the warmth of his touch.

And in the shallow of your eyes, you pretend it's Bucky. Bucky, who you'd vowed to kiss before the end of school knowing you'd never have the courage to. Bucky who you didn't exactly know but knew all the same. Bucky who wasn't here. Bucky who wasn't yours.

"How about you and I make a deal?" Steve murmured, as he got closer to you.

"What kind of deal?" He had piqued your interest.

"Give me a month to make you mine." His voice lowered as he caged you in between the wall and his body, "And if I don't succeed, I'll _help you make him yours_."

You wondered why he'd do this. A deal too good to be true, a deal that would no doubt help you.

"But I just told you..I like him. I'd choose him, I'd always pick him."

"That's my problem, not yours. Deal or no deal?" He continued, "And we'll see. You just might not be able to resist me."

"We'll see, Rogers," You repeated his words back to him, accepting his deal.

(Later you find yourself wondering why you let this happen. 

But there's no real answer to that, is there?)


	2. I'm Thinking We Should Drive

"So whereto, first?"

Steve smiled, "You gotta give a man time to prepare, it's only been a minute since I pinned you here and proposed such a deal."

"Is that so? Well you can unpin me now?" Contrary to your words, his body got closer to yours, covering every inch of you, letting his warmth seep into your body, letting his breath invade your skin.

"But I have you right where I want you? Don't even need that deal," Steve chuckled.

_Bucky_ .

Right.

"If only you wanted me the way you want him, right?"

You ducked out of his cage. You had wanted him once. But then Bucky was there and suddenly Steve didn't matter, no other boy did. Maybe that's why you and Steve were friends at all, because you no longer felt nervous around him once your eyes set on Bucky.

Steve was after all, a gentleman. He could have you hot and bothered, but at the same time when it really mattered - he was there. Steve was always there. He was smart and strong and never failed to stand up for what he believed in. 

And maybe a tiny part of you had wondered what it would be like to be with him, even now.

"You're thinking about me, aren't you?"

You startled, with an indignant _no_. He laughed, murmuring a _see you a later, doll_  and a kiss on your cheek that made your breath hitch.

* * *

 

It was only a couple of hours later when his car honked outside with an exclamation of " _get in loser, we're going shopping_ " that had you laughing while you quickly changed into something more appropriate for going out. Steve wouldn't mind if you wore a trash can, you knew that, but the idea of people's stares when they'd see you next to him caused you to look harder.

"You didn't give me time to look presentable; what kind of man doesn't give a warning before he takes you on a ride?" You grumbled as you jumped in.

"The kind that knows you look beautiful no matter what you wear," he replied, before grabbing the wheel and speeding off.

Turns out you did not go shopping, instead he opted for taking you to a late breakfast. He made you laugh and smile with jokes and impressions. He made you feel happy and completely at ease, but that's how it had always been with Steve Rogers.

He was a nice guy, the type of guy who wouldn't bullshit you but wouldn't hurt you either. He was the type of guy that would help your mother with groceries for fun (which had resulted in her blushing), the type of guy to help the girl with too big glasses and wide eyes when someone bullied and knocked her books down (which had resulted in her blushing too), he was the type of guy who'd grab your hand on a date and draw circles with his thumb when he noticed your discomfort (which resulted in you blushing as he did it right now).

Steve Rogers was a man of many talents, you realized, _especially_ making people blush which you accidentally blurted out, causing him to smirk.

"Just hoping I could blush you into submission," He joked.

When he drove you back, you both sang along to the radio, laughing when you got the lyrics wrong, hitting the high notes (sometimes not so gracefully) and then you saw Bucky, standing outside Steve's house.

And you realized things could be different now. That instead of a date with Steve, there was a possibility of a date with Bucky. That instead of smiling with Steve, you could be laughing with Bucky - kissing Bucky, holding Bucky, being wanted by Bucky.

"Steve?" You started, "I wanna change the deal."

"Why, giving up so _soon_? Realizing I'm the one for you after one date?" 

" _ **No**_ , you still have your month, but instead of waiting for that month to be over to help me with Bucky, you do it at the same time."

"Why?"

"It's providing incentive, now you're gonna work harder! Why, are you scared you'll fail in your quest?" You teased, knowing he couldn't resist when you put it like that.

"Of course not," he replied haughtily, confused still but unable to say no.

"Well, then you can start with helping my Bucky situation now," You pushed him in Bucky's direction missing the look of understanding when he realized who the figure in front of him was and the slight hurt that followed as he mumbled an _oh_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the deal's been changed and Bucky's coming into the picture. Let me know what you thought about this chapter and where you think I'm going with this (even though I'm not even sure where I'm going with this).


	3. I Search For Love And Don't Find It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really just a filler to integrate Bucky in to the story, lol sorry it sucks

"Hey, Bucky."

"Hey Steve and uh," Bucky stuttered, trying to brush over the fact that he didn't know your name.

You didn't blame him, it's not like you'd been talking to him; all you'd ever done was watch him from afar - afraid that he'd never like you, afraid that he'd never find who you were interesting enough but that didn't mean you enjoyed the reminder. " _Anyway_ , I kind of need a favour." 

"Is it bad?" Steve joked though you could see the tension on his face. You knew he and Bucky were casual friends so the guilt bloomed in your stomach when you realized his attitude stemmed from the fact that you had changed the deal for your selfish need.

"Depends..how do you feel about a double date?"

A very unpleasant feeling tore through your body at the thought. You'd never considered yourself to be a salty, sarcastic or petty person but the comments going through her head had her thinking otherwise. 

_"Oh, he would Bucky, but he's coming from a date already. With me. The girl who's name you can't even ask?"_

_"Oh a double date? Unless I'm involved, you both are not allowed."_

_"Steve's going to say no so ha point 1 to nameless girl."_

"That's not too bad, let's do this." _**Steve**_.

Maybe you didn't love Steve, but it still hurt that he put you aside like that. As if the date you had didn't matter because now he had the chance of another one. A quiet thought followed: _weren't you doing the same?_ but you brush it off, the hurt outweighing rationality. 

"Well _Steve and uh_ ," You started, you pretend to not know Bucky's name either, letting your petty comment come out sickly sweet as Steve tried to muffle his laughter, catching on. "I'm gonna go, see you later."

"Wait!" Bucky grabbed your arm. "What's your name?" 

He probably felt bad and somehow you felt bold.

"Well,  _ **James**_ , I don't give my name out to just anybody. You have to work for it." 

It took Bucky a few seconds to realize you did know his name.

It took him just as long to realize he likes the game you're playing or maybe he just likes you, he's not too sure yet.

* * *

  
Bucky Barnes had always known when a girl liked him; it wasn't often when a girl didn't. He knew it sounded conceited but it was just a fact.

The girl with Steve had. It hadn't just been the flirty comment that gave it away; he had seen her around him before, watching from afar, content being away from him, not too close, never too close.

She might be interesting, she might not but he didn't want to think about her. Thinking about her led to daydreaming; and the fantasy was always better than reality. She'd let him down in the real world, she'd be worse in actuality. 

People were harder to love here. But what would he know?

Bucky no longer had faith in love or magic or anything in between. It was nice to see people wanted him, it made him feel good about himself. It quelled the insecurities for a while, it stopped the nightmares but loving somebody? Wanting somebody for more than just a fuck? That was something that hadn't happened yet. 

Once, he had known. But the memories had faded, the aftermath being all that he could remember.

It _had been his fault, after all._

He had always noticed everything, it was his gift and his curse.

He noticed the girl in third period who looked at their teacher with longing, he noticed the stressed out look on his neighbor's face, and he noticed how his friend Steve was in love with somebody who didn't love him back, the pain and longing slipping through at times.

He noticed many things, and yet he could not notice and find somebody that he'd want for more than a night, for more than a craving, for more than one day of comfort.

He longed to feel something, anything but he doubted he ever would; not after what had happened, not after what he did.

He almost envied Steve.

He loved somebody.

He almost envied Steve.

But his beloved didn't even love him back. 

Almost.

Just almost. 


	4. I Don't Wanna Talk About It, I Just Wanna Hold Your Hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I shit you not I cringed through writing this because literally wtf is this

"Hi, I'm Steve."  
"I'm Sharon."

It started from there - she was nice, friendly. They joked and laughed, she leaned into him and his arm lingered around her form. She whispered in his ear and he murmured back. When they left Bucky and his date, Natasha, who seemed to be having just as much fun, he found her lips pressed against his in the cold alleyway outside the restaurant.

She was warm and soft, her tongue slipping into his mouth, his arms encircling her waist. He tugged on her hair and she pressed against him, but when she reached for the buttons of his shirt, he found himself hesitant.

"Sharon, you're lovely and this was fun but-" 

"What's her name?" Steve startled.

"I know that look, and I know it well. You're a good person, Steve. Just make sure she's worth it- just make sure she's worth your love. And if she isn't, give me a call." She wrote down her number on his hand, kissed his cheek and slipped away into the darkness of the night.

* * *

 

"So?" You interrogated as you saw Steve pulling up to his house. "How was your date?"

"It was good." You waited for more, but it never came.

"So you're just gonna leave me with no details." You huffed as he turned towards you with an annoyed expression.

"I don't _know_ how Bucky's date was."

"Then tell me how your date went?" You could see his annoyance, but just because you had picked Bucky doesn't mean you didn't care about Steve. 

"It was fine." His answer is short and his eyes refused to meet your gaze but you can see that his top button is unbuttoned and his lips seem pinker and his hair is tousled and _you know_ you shouldn't care but it bothers you.

And Steve knows, Steve knows that it does but he hates that even then, you're unwilling to believe that there might be something there, more than just a friend. 

"Why? Why do you care? Just because I might have kissed somebody else, because I might be taken? Do you want me now that you can't have me? Is that what this is?" Somewhere along the way, his voice had started rising, his frustration getting the best of him.

"Screw you, I don't care." You raised your voice to match his, angry, so very angry as if he had infected with you with his sour mood.

(Part of you thinks he has.)

"Really, _babe_? Because that's not what it looks like." He laughed sarcastically, bitter. The alcohol in his system had done him no good as it let out his feelings for him.

He didn't want to hurt and he didn't want to hurt you but right now, he was doing both.

"So what, now? Isn't that what you wanted? You wanted me to love you, right? You wanted this and now that you made me care, you're suddenly mad at me? You're gonna push me away?! Well congratulations and thanks because now I know why Bucky's the better choice. Thankyou for letting me realize that there's a reason I hadn't chosen you." And you know that it isn't true. They don't need comparison, they're so different. Both better in their own ways, both with worse with their own flaws.

"I'm not pushing you away! You want me after one date? No, you have wanted me! I know it, I know you. But you wanting me has always been relative to how Bucky treats you. He has a girlfriend today, time to find comfort in Steve. He didn't look at me today, but Steve will. And yes, I did. And I will continue doing that, whenever you want me to. But then, I'm still worse than Bucky? I'm worse than Bucky when he isn't even here? I'm worse than Bucky because I've always liked you and he hasn't? I hate to tell you this, trust me, I do but maybe you've chosen him but Bucky's never going to choose you."

"Don't, Steve. I'm sorry, I'm tired. Don't. You can go back to Emily, sorry for ruining your night." The words are laced with anger and venom but you're also exhausted, tired of fighting with someone who spoke the truth that you didn't want to hear, the knowledge you didn't want to know. 

"Her name was Sharon and I will, maybe she won't constantly make me feel like crap because I'm not like the stupid fantasy version of a guy in her head and she won't string me along just to remind me how I'm not worth it." 

He slammed the door of his house as he entered into his house, disappearing inside.

"What did you do to piss him off?" Bucky's voice startles you where he stands next to his own car which you failed to notice driving up. He put something in Steve's mailbox and turned towards you.

"I fell in love." You answered, truthfully.

"What does that feel like?" He asked as he moved closer to you.

"Pain."

"Are you in love with me?" He whispered into the silence.

"No." Your breath hitched.

"Liar." He stared into your eyes, curious. He doesn't know you, he doesn't think he even likes you yet. But you know love, and he wants a glimpse. "Maybe I'll let you show me what it feels like to be in love."

"Maybe."

"Goodbye," He moved away only to get closer to your ear, whispering something.

The shock causes you to freeze.

It's only when he's in his car that you realize he had whispered your name.


	5. Take You Like A Drug

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for the kudos and comments and everything in general; the more feedback I get, the more I write tbh

"You'll come with me to a party, tonight."

It's a statement, not a question (not that you would have said no to Bucky) but you still say _okay_ when he approaches you in the school hallway.

You see _him_ watching too. His blue eyes less animated, his face just a little too serious, his blonde hair just a little too ruffled.

He's tense while he walks towards you and you're tense as you stand still.

"I'm sorry," He whispers, shame and nerves evident on his face.

"I know," You say because it's not okay yet. 

He turns away, things not quite back to normal yet, but-

"Steve?" You call out to him.

"I'm sorry, too."

"I know." He smiles.

-you know things will be fine soon.

* * *

  
Bucky honks his car, waiting for you and when you walk out, he compliments you.

You smile at him but he can tell that you know he's doing it just because he has to and he likes you a little better for it, even if a part of him wants to reassure you that your insecurity in unnecessary, you are beautiful.

And that he wants to say, not because he has to but because you are. Beautiful, not in the curves of your body or the flow of your hair. Beautiful, not in the daintiness of your fingers or the smoothness of your skin. Beautiful, in the way your eyes shyly rake over his form. Beautiful in the sensitive way you step into his car, careful not to damage anything. 

It's in the way you talk and the way your hands pick up a rhythm against the dashboard, it's in the way you offer him smiles and the way your eyes never quite look right at him but rather _through_ him; as if you're trying to understand him; as if you you're trying to take a peak right into his heart.

He shakes away his thoughts, focusing on driving as he reverses out of your street.

  
"James! My man!"  
"Buck?!"  
"Barnes, bro, glad you came!"

Various hoots fill the air as you two enter but Bucky never lets go of your hand, not once.

He ushers you to the kitchen, grabbing a drink for you and him as he talks about nothing and everything.

He's _intoxicating_ , every exhale lulling you, every word grabbing your attention. He makes you feel special; lucky even.

A part of you groaned at the thought of being such a dope over a boy. You're trying to remember that you're your own person, that he's nothing special, that he's just another character but you're the main show.

You're trying but he's mesmerizing and you can't help but be pulled in; addicted to him, _latching_ onto him even if you didn't quite know him yet. He passes you a drink and then another and then another and you're as drunk from the alcohol as you are on him.

He grabs your hand, offering a reassuring smile with it as he leads you to a another room and you're sure you would have followed him to the ends of the earth but right now the small room is all you get.

You feel the blood rushing through your body, colors more vivid then before, music _pounding_ against your chest and your head and your feet and he pulls you into him and his lips are on you and it's everything you wanted but it's also everything you don't.

"Bucky, no, stop," You whisper, pulling away.

"Why?" He murmers against your neck as he presses kisses.

"I thought you wanted me." He mumbles, his voice deliciously low and his hands warm. And _yes, you do, you **do.**_

But-

"Not like this," and it takes every ounce of willpower to move away from him. 

He doesn't pressure or push, he doesn't get mad or scream. But he's curious, you can tell from the way his eyebrows furrow and his eyes search yours.

"I want this, God, _of course_ I want this. But not when my head's rushing and my feet are numb and i'm in a shady room that I'm probably not going to remember tomorrow. I mean, I'd probably follow you anywhere and belive me, it's taking a lot of power saying no but I don't want one night, I want more. I don't want to kiss and makeout or even go further than that and then never hear from you again. I thought I could do that, you know - just a kiss and I'd be satisfied but I'm not. I don't care if this goes nowhere, but I want to know you, not just your lips, not just the taste of your tongue, not just the shape of your body."

"What makes you think I want the same?"

"You wanted me to here, knowing I was in love with you. I don't think you're the type to take advantage of it."

He laughs, "Steve was right - you sure are something else, doll."

And it's true, he doesn't hear no often or confessions of love that are so deeply honest and emotional and part of him wants to run away because he's not sure he wants this but another part of him is telling him to stay.

Stay, what's the worse that could happen?

(Later, he bitterly laughs over the thought. He should've known better to ask a question like that. He knows worse now, yes he does.)

" _Steve_?" That throws you off.

"He's the one who said you'd interest me, i think he wants to set you up with me, to be honest."

And it's suddenly hard to swallow because once again, Steve Rogers, even after everything, is still putting your happiness above his.


	6. I'm Sorry That I Fell In Love Tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you tell I have no romantic life yet because the content seems so cheesy I stfg. I like angst, much easier to write but yay for more Bucky/reader - I'm a total Steve girl so this is very hard for me to write tbh when they're technically competing.

You didn't like confrontations.  
If it was somebody else's drama, you were all for it but you hated it when it came to yourself.

You needed to talk to Steve, but you didn't know what to say and you didn't know why. But even then, the next day at school you found your feet heading towards him.

"Steve?" He turned towards you, ready to listen. "Bucky told me about you telling him to give me a chance."

He sighs.

"We do have a deal, you know? I'm not backing out, I'm not going to stop showing you I'm right, but I'm not going to take away your right to choose. I know you love him, but I also know you like me too. And until you're sure of him, I'll be fighting for you."

"I'm just another girl, Steve."

"You're my best girl," He replied back. "Even if you choose him, that's not going to change."

"But-" You started, only to hear another voice calling your name.

"Go, we'll talk later." Steve smiled, waving to Bucky as he approaches before walking away.

"Steve-" You started but he was already gone.

Bucky came to stand in front of you.

"I'm sorry about last night." Bucky said, his hands gripping your face softly. "I'm no good with love and feelings and it's no excuse, but, even if I fail, even if it ends up leading nowhere, you're _worth_ trying to figure love out."

"Bucky... you say these things, these _beautiful_ things but they're just words. How do I know you mean what you say?"

"You don't, you'll just have to trust me." He replies.

"That's a tough thing to ask." Because it is, because you don't want to be hurt, because you know he's been with many girls, all just like you.

"How about some reassurance?"

He whispers, and then he's kissing you and this time it's everything you ask for and everything you dreamed. His tongue slips into your mouth and his hands have cupped your face and it's hard to breathe but neither of you pull away. He pulls your body towards him, and there's no air, and it's so hot and there's no space but you're on _fire_ and you love it.

He pulls away, breathless and eyes still closed and he mumbles out, "How's that for reassurance?"

And you smile as the words spill from your mouth, "Pretty convincing."

"Can I take you out tonight?" And suddenly he's shy as he rubs his arm and bites his lip, waiting for an answer, a small part of him scared of you saying no.

"Of course you can," You reply and the smile on his face was something you'd love to remember forever, etching it in your mind.

The bell rings, signaling the start of class but you don't move and neither does he.

(You're late to class but you don't care and neither does he.)

* * *

  
"I want to know about you." Bucky says, later at dinner and you freeze because you're sure you're nothing but a bore.

"There isn't much to tell,"

"Tell me anyway," he says and that smile on his face has you telling him the smallest things and the stupidest things ever but he looks so fascinated and the smile never leaves his face and _God_ you'd do anything to keep him smiling like that.

Bucky likes this; he's so used to telling his story, his persona, his thoughts and he wondered why people wanted to know so much but as you talk and tell him your secrets and your stories, he understands why.

He likes the look on your face when you're talking about something you're passionate about, he adores the bashful look on your face when you feel like you've accidentally told him too much, he's laughing over the blush on your cheeks and the way you peek at him again and again to see if he's bored.

You're real; you don't pretend to be anybody else, not now, not when you forget that you want to impress him, not when you can't help but talk about the things you love.

Bucky decides he likes you best this way; no pretenses, a big smile and rosy cheeks.

 

  
(sometimes you're full on red in the face, but he loves that too.)


	7. Like Breathing Was Easy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we are again, thankyou so much for all the kudos and comments, the more feedback there is the more I try to put effort into the updates so keep em coming and I love to hear your thoughts and ideas so don't hesitate to share.

You didn't get to see Bucky the next day or the day after that or even the day after that. He was avoiding you, turning away when he saw you, moving away when he saw you approaching. It was a week later when you finally cornered him, giving him no chance to escape, no route out, leading him to the supply closet. 

"What the _fuck_ , James?" were the first words to spill out of your mouth.

"Hello to you too," he jokes, trying to ease the tension.

"Why are you ignoring me?" You needed to know.

"I'm not."   
You both know he's lying.

He sighs, a sad smile on his face. "I can't be with you."

"Did I do something wrong? Did i talk to much? I didn't mean to-" The panic and fear seeps in.

"It's nothing you did, doll." He quells your insecurity but angers you with his words.

"Oh, so it's not you, it's me? That's the excuse you're going for? That's just low, Bucky and you know it. At least, man up and tell me you like me! That's so fucking _stupid_ -"

But then he's cutting you off with a kiss that you find yourself falling into (damn him) until he's pulling away.

"I like you. I do. _But I can't be with you_."

Then he's gone and you're alone in that closet wondering what exactly is going on.

* * *

  
Being without Bucky had allowed you to meet with Steve more often, but things felt different.

His hands on yours now meant something different, the scent of his cologne invaded every pore of your skin, every touch, every move he made, everything he did had you focused on nothing but him (which was a real problem on movie nights). But that night, you worried about Bucky.

_"I like you. I do. But I can't be with you."_

  
"What are you thinking about?" Steve asks."Is it Bucky?"

"You and him and us and whatever we're trying to do here."

"You're trying to make him love you, I'm trying to make you love me." He states, plainly. "But enough about that, let's play a game. I'll ask you a question, and you answer and ask me one next."

"Nothing uncomfortable though, okay?" You sigh.

"Nothing uncomfortable," he promises. "Why are you worried?"

"Bucky said he couldn't be with me," You shrug, trying to brush off the topic. "What are you scared of?"

"Not being enough." He doesn't look at you. "What's the one place you want to visit more than anywhere?"

And the game goes on, and you're both laying on the ground, on the verge of unconsciousness. Steve's ready to leave as he sees your eyelids drooping but you're still mumbling answers and questions in your hazy state.

"What do you dream about, Steve?" You whisper but you're too far gone to hear his reply of _"you"_.


	8. I'm Only A Fool For You (i/iii)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 100 kudos!! Thankyou so much!! And not to mention all the encouraging comments!?!?!? You guys are the best.

Night had become the only time there was peace. It seemed like the day was full; full of noise, full of people, full of screaming, full of anger. Nobody was calm, nobody thought rationally - a craze had spread over the world; a fury, a cry of pain, a fear of loss.

Night had become the only time there was anything to look forward to, anything to be happy about. So when the opportunity came up for another party, you didn't say no, not only because Steve asked you, but also because you knew that this was a party where everyone could lose themselves in the atmosphere and have a good time; something everyone needed to face the terrible days.

You spent the first hour just hanging around, enjoying the sound, the bass thumping with your heart, the people laughing along with you.

Steve talked to his friends, met his pals and even then he'd come back to you, checking you were okay, making sure you were having a good time.

You were just heading to the kitchen to get a drink when Steve grabbed your hand, beckoning you to follow him. You smiled a shaky smile, remembering the last time this had happened, what it had lead to (even if it was with another boy).

He lead you outside, where the chilly air soothed the sweat on your skin. He smiled at you, turning to face you - both alone, the only reminder of the party a faint beat of the songs playing.

"Dance with me," He holds his arm out for you to take.

"Steve, I hate to break it to you, but we left the music inside."

His expression doesn't change and you finally relent, taking his arm.

You both sway as he hums a tune with you leaning your head on his chest.

"We're so cheesy." You sigh.

"You love it," He teases and you don't deny it because it's true.

"Hey, loverboy! The party's inside!" a yell comes, followed by various hoots and laughs.

Steve leads you back in, where you finally head to get that drink you wanted until you stop again because Bucky's right there.

He sees you and starts walking your way.

"I was just thinking about you."

"Don't do that. If you can't be with me, don't do that."

"I'm sorry," he holds his hands up in surrender. "I'll leave you alone."

You let me him walk away until the curiosity eating at you forces you to make him stop.

"Wait, Bucky...it was because of Steve, right? Because he's your friend and you found about his feelings?"

"Yes and no. He _is_ my friend and I realized that he was in love with you but no, it isn't just that." He sighs, once again a sad expression on his face.

"I need to know, James."

"He's a good guy, he's going to make you happy," He says, "He already is, isn't he?"

"That's not what I-"

"You guys are good together," He cuts you off, no longer bothering to listen to you.

"Bucky, listen to me!" He mumbles on.

"James!" But he's turning away.

"Bucky!" But he's lost in the crowd.

"IT'S TIME FOR TRUTH OR DARE, BITCHES!" someone yells.

And then you're lost in the surging crowd too.


	9. 'Cause She's A Cruel Mistress, And A Bargain Must Be Made (ii/iii)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys just a warning; sorry if there's nothing fluffy in the next 2-3 chapters- I'm just not in a good place right now and writing anything "happy" in this state just leads me to feel fake and stop writing at all. Even then, I'll try my best to get everything together soon!  
> (as always, thankyou for the kudos/comments /bookmarks/subscriptions/etc)

Night had become the only time there was peace. It seemed like the day was full, full of noise, full of people, full of screaming, full of anger. Nobody was calm, nobody thought rationally - a craze had spread over the world; a fury, a cry of pain, a fear of loss.

  
Atleast it had felt that way.   
But that was before.

* * *

"Alright now, the rules are simple-" Tony began, only to be cut off.

"There are rules?!"   
"What a buzzkill."  
"There's supposed to be no rules, dipshit."

Tony glared, starting again. "As I was saying before I was so **rudely** interrupted _\- yes, I'm looking at you, Rhodey, don't try and hide -_ the rules are simple. You pick truth or dare and you do what is asked. If you don't, you're going in the skinny dipping in the pool and everyone's going to watch while you do it-"

"I hate to tell you this, but that's not much of a punishment," Loki smirked followed by a chorus of agreeing noises.

" _Maybe_ if you fuckers let me finish, I'd tell you that along with that you get the pleasure of cleaning up all the shit you guys have left behind after the party's over, that's right - you're playing housekeeper for a night."

Everyone groaned in response but Tony wasn't done yet. "That being said let's keep it PG-13, please. No need for funny business and NO PICTURES!"

Once everyone was seated, the game was all set to begin.

"Wait, wait, wait. How do we pick who's turn it is? We need a bottle." Clint began looking around, only to be stopped by Tony.

"Fuck the bottle..um, not literally though, remember PG-13. Right, anyway, I'll begin, whoever I ask goes next, picks whoever they want, and then-"

"We get the idea, Tony." Natasha stops him.

He huffs, mumbling something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like " _bitch_ " but begins anyway.

"So, Brucey, truth or dare,"

When the uncomfortable boy mumbles out " _truth_ ", Tony continues: "So how many have you beaten up at my party so far?"

Bruce groans, hesitantly admitting "14".

And so the game goes on, you not particularly focusing on the questions and answers warranting a worried look from Steve until suddenly some girl is pointing at you and asking you "truth or dare?"

"Oh if it's truth, what's it like being _a_ _little slut_ , oops, I mean stealing the attention of the two hottest boys in school?" She wears a cruel smile on her face, laughing with her friends.

"Dare,"

"Even better. I dare you to kiss Bucky." She smirks now as you hesitantly peek at Steve whose eyebrows are furrowed and eyes are closed.

"It's that or streaking and cleaning, sweetheart." Tony smiles sympathetically at you, but offers no way out.

You force yourself towards Bucky, who has an equally uncomfortable face, he mumbles an _"I'm sorry,"_ when you squat near him.

"A proper kiss," the same girl giggles on.

So you kiss him, the setting offering no comfort, the kiss meaningless in front of the crowd - a kiss that wasn't meant to be given, a kiss not meant to be taken.

When you look in Steve's direction he's gone.

You rush outside after him, to reassure him it meant nothing but he's not there and you're alone until there are footsteps behind you and a soft call of your name follows. 

"Bucky?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't-" He begins only for you to cut him off.

"Truth or dare, Bucky?" He looks at you like you've gone mad.

"Really?" He has an incredulous expression on his face.

"Yes, really. It's my turn after all. You can't avoid - it's streaking and cleaning otherwise." You warn.

"Truth," He hesitantly replies. 

"Why can't you be with me?" You ask.

"Dare," He changes his answer.

"I dare you to tell me," you snap right back at him without missing a beat.


	10. Need Someone To Numb The Pain (iii/iii)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Been a while, guys. Still not sure with the ideas and stuff but here's an update anyway (even if it doesn't encompass as much as usual).

" _Because I've done it before_! I did it to him before...to the first girl he ever loved. You didn't see him then, she loved him even though he was skinny and short, even though he was a nobody, even though he was just another guy. She loved him for him and he was crazy about her. We used to be best friends, back then. The kind who promised each other that they'd be there no matter what, _'till the end of the line,_ we'd say. I ruined it. I ruined it all. They were dating, Peggy and him. In love and in love with the idea of love. I never wanted her, never, not once but the way Steve talked about her, you'd think she was some goddess."

"One summer, Steve left. He had some camp and he had left. He promised to be back, and for him, she was willing to do the long distance thing. Except it got bad, that summer it got bad. It was hard for them, and it was hard for me - Steve was my best pal, even when he had Peggy he still made time for me, we did everything together. I started drinking then, just because it was something to do, just because it was what everyone else was doing. I invited her over, knowing she must be feeling like crap too. Only it wasn't just drinking we did. I never wanted her but I took her anyway. It was just a kiss, at first and _it felt so wrong_ because she was Steve's girl but I didn't care, I just wanted to feel something and she just wanted to feel something other than lonely. It was a mistake, a horrible, a horrible _mistake_ and he would have forgiven that too because he loved us. But she didn't want to stop, and I didn't resist either. So we made mistake after mistake after mistake."

"I ruined his first love for him, I destroyed everything just because I couldn't keep it in my pants. And God, he was so hurt. _So, so hurt._ I destroyed our friendship, man, i deserved to lose him. I deserve to lose everything. I can't, no **i won't** do it again, not when he loves you so much. He deserves to be happy, and if this makes you hate me, that's a price I'm willing to pay. He's right for you, he really is. He's the better guy, and I can't risk him not getting his happy ending over you getting your heart broken by a guy who will never be able to treat you right, or to love you or to care as much because he doesn't know how."

His eyes are closed, when he finishes.

He can't bear to see the look in your eyes, the blame, the anger, the horror.  
He can't bear for you to look into his eyes; the shame, the guilt, the fear.

So instead, he walks away.

At first, it's just aimlessly.

He's sure he's in a daze, he left his car at Tony's but he can't find it in himself to care.

But then he's knocking on a door, and those familiar blue eyes are staring right back at him and he's whispering _"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."_

There are tears in his eyes, and he's trying to explain that he's _not a bad guy,_ he _just made a mistake and_ he's _so sorry, Steve!_

And then he's being pulled into an embrace, and they're both on the ground and he's still mumbling, _"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,"_

 __He's still mumbling and he's thinking he's not drunk enough to imagine this and it's real and he just _needs_ Steve to understand because he couldn't say it before, not right anyway. 

He's still mumbling and it's still hurting and it's still eating at him but he's going to make it right, he's going to, _**he has to.**_

He'sstill mumbling but he's getting tired and Steve is so warm and comforting and he think he doesn't deserve comforting, he deserves the heat of hell that'll boil the things he's done and the person he's become.

He's still mumbling as his eyes close and he's in a heap on the porch of Steve's house and sleep is ready to overtake him.

" _'Till the end of the line, pal,"_ is the last thing he hears when the exhaustion overwhelms everything else and he closes his eyes to better dreams. 


	11. It's All Fun And Games, 'Til Somebody Falls In Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Steve-centric but don't worry, reader will be there soon enough

Steve Rogers loved deeply, even if it wasn't greatly. It was his greatest strength and biggest weakness. He'd love you until you could love yourself, he'd find the good in you when you were sure you were all bad, he'd do his best to pick you up when you'd made the cold, hard ground your home.

He loved deeply, and in the end it hurts him the most.

He _never_ regrets it; he refuses to - love is not a sin. But he's really tired of getting his heart hurt.

He loved Peggy and the loneliness she felt had found another home in him.  
He loved Bucky and the mess Bucky thought he was had decided it fit Steve better.   
He loved you but now he has to give you up.

Bucky is on the couch, his head in Steve's lap, a peaceful look on his face.

He finds it easier to talk to him this way; knowing that he'll never remember the words when he wakes, not with the way he sleep anyway. 

"Buck, I _hate_ you, man. I hate you because even after everything, I'm still going to put you first....i'm the better guy, we both know that. But you need her more. She's not a breath of fresh air, James. She's not gentle rain or the girl that's nice and sweet and will exist solely to make you feel better. No. She's more than that. She's passion and hope and a wreckage that you'll yearn to be part of. She's going to love you, hell, she already does. She'll try to make you see you're not the monster you think you are, and a few times you'll slip and believe her. She'll have bad days too and I know you'll do the same for her, you'll make her feel loved and secure and extraordinary because that's what she is, I know it."

"I know it and that's why I have to let her go...I told her I'll fight for her, but I can't do that to you. Not when you're in so much pain, not when you know you're falling for her. It was easier before, because I was sure you didn't feel for her. But _you do_ , you do, you do."

"She loves me, I know. Even if she won't quite say it. But I'm just Steve. There's 50,000 more of me; there's only one one James Buchanan Barnes and there's only one her. My best girl and my best pal? It should be fine, you'll be fine. And I'll be happy knowing that you made it, knowing that the people I care about are happy. That's all that ever matters."

But Steve knew you wouldn't let him just fade away, you'd want to see what was wrong with him, why he was pulling away, why he wasn't the same.

So he had to do what would hurt him to make sure you didn't even want to try.

Steve Rogers loved deeply, even if it wasn't greatly. It was his greatest strength and biggest weakness. He'd love you until you could love yourself, he'd find the good in you when you were sure you were all bad, he'd do his best to pick you up when you'd made the cold, hard ground your home.

He loved deeply, and in the end it hurts him the most.

He never regrets it; he refuses to - love is not a sin.

"Hey, Sharon,"

_But he's really tired of getting his heart hurt._


	12. What You Saw (i/ii)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been a while, yikes. Life really gets in the way.  
> Kudos to you if you can stick to the posting schedule you had in mind when you first began a story haha.

Bucky Barnes had beautiful eyes.

It was something everyone had noticed and commented on. But the last time you'd seen them they had been full of shame, guilt and regret.

You knew why he couldn't look at you, you understood his worry, you understood his pain. But you wondered why he'd believe you'd think any less of him now.

  
Admittedly, it _would_ be easy to hate him, it really would.

But it had eaten him up so much that all the anger at his stupidity had drained out. He'd hated himself so much for his mistake that there was no room for you to hate him.

You looked for him, waiting in the hallways, waiting in the classrooms - but he never came.

Neither did Steve. Steve, the boy who'd somehow wiggled his way into your heart anyway. Even if he wasn't supposed to, even if you didn't want him to.

You gave them space. You gave them space because you knew they needed it.

You knew they were figuring out where they stood now and you hoped that you'd see two best friends back together.

You gave them space even if you were itching to tell them that they were good men and that's what made this so hard.

That the truth was they had treated you like a queen and you didn't know how you'd ever choose between them.

How you'd ever hurt them.

How you'd ever let them go.

You remember how it all started, a deal.

  
A stupid deal that hadn't even seem to last.

One stupid deal that was just a few weeks old and yet that had caused so much trouble.

For a while, you tried to give the boys their space, give them distance.

But you couldn't any longer. There was much that needed to be said, there was much that needed to be done.

You all had created a mess and you needed to fix it.

With knock on Steve's door and determination seeping through your veins, you stood.

Steve's mother ushered you in and yelled out for Steve as you neared his door, following his name with a call that you were here.  
You pushed his door open, heard a feminine voice saying "Steve, _no_ ," and you were in.

You were in and he was kissing her, her eyes wide open and his tight shut.

Sharon screamed after you, " _wait, wait, wait,_ " as you rushed out, cheeks red from embarrassment and " _stupid, stupid, stupid_ ," in your brain.

You were almost out when she'd grabbed your arm, yanking you towards her - her grip desperate and her eyes wide.


	13. What He Felt (ii/ii)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As much shit is about to go down in this story as it is, for me, in real life.  
> Also any suggestions/mistakes/ideas you have can totally be commented/pointed out. I love hearing your theories and thoughts:)  
> Thanks for the support so far!

Steve Rogers had a plan.

It was stupid, it was either bound to work incredibly well or go horribly wrong but he had to take that chance, he had to take that chance and make sure that everything worked out just right.

He had called her a while back but she hadn't been available to see him; he was unsure of how long it had been since - the days all blending into one as he tried sorting out everything with Bucky, working out what he had to do and trying to get rid of that warm feeling whenever he thought of you.

He wondered how you were and then stopped himself, reminding himself that shouldn't care and then he silently thanked his mother for letting him skip school and figure out what he needed to do.

The ringtone of his phone roused him from the couch, seeing Sharon's name and sighing with relief.

"Hey, hi. Thank God, I need your help." He mumbled, his thoughts jumbling out.

"Steve? What's wrong?" She soothed him with her voice; a welcoming sound.

" _Please, just come over._ " He felt vulnerable asking, but she was going to be the only one who'd truly know what he had in mind and he needed her to understand.

"Steve-" He could hear the hesitancy.

"I need you, please. Sharon, I made a mistake, I need to make things _right_ -"

"I'll be there in fifteen," He sighed in relief, knowing that time was running out and soon you would be knocking on his door trying to set things straight.

In fact, he was surprised you hadn't already.

When Sharon arrived he ushered her upstairs, into the privacy of his room.

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong yet?" She grumbled yet the concern was evident on her face. She studied his expression and asked, "is this about the girl you're in love with?"

"I'm not in love with her." She looked at him with an incredulous expression and he amended his statement; "I _can't_ be in love with her."  
"Why not?"

He didn't know how to say it, he didn't know how to tell her everything. He didn't think she'd get it and he didn't quite trust her enough yet.

"Because Bucky and her would be a perfect fit and I can't hurt him. She needs him, he needs her," But it went deeper than that.

"And what do you need?"

The question surprises him because he didn't think she'd ask. Her expression is soft and her words are gentle but he can see how she doesn't think he's right at all in his reasoning and he likes her more for it. 

"First of all, I need to forget her and secondly, I need her to hate me. She's going to try fixing things, I need to make sure she sees there's nothing to fix here. That I'm completely and irrevocably over her, even if it's the farthest thing from the truth."

He hears a faint knocking from downstairs and his mother yells for him along with an announcement of your arrival.

It hits him at once. "Maybe this way I can do both,"

Sharon looks at him in confusion, the words arguing his course of action stuck in her throat when she realizes what he's about to do once he's enclosed the space between them and gripped her face.

Ignoring the urge to let him continue, she protests with a "Steve, _no_ ,"

But it's too late, his soft lips have already pressed themselves against hers and the door is opened and she can see your horrified expression before you're rushing out.

God, she wanted this. She wanted Steve.  
But not when he's so in love with you. Not when he's willing to get hurt so you'll hate him and still get your happiness. Not when she knew she had no chance.

She rushes out as well, pushing away Steve who refuses to open his eyes, pain on his face.

Mumbles of _"wait,wait, wait,"_ spill out of her mouth and she's trying to catch you.  
Sharon desperately grabs on to you, and it works but then you wiggle out, adamant on leaving. She wants to go after you, to help the guy she likes because he deserves better. 

But she just sighs, turning away. 

Footsteps tread down the stairs and she knows he's watching. 

Steve looks at her, resignation on his face as he sees the girl he loves has walked away and she's probably not coming back, not after this.

The words burst open from her mouth:

 _"What did you do?!"_


	14. Take Me Under, Take Me Under, I Don't Care If It's Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This felt awkward to write haha but 200+ kudos, wow thankyou❤  
> This is really just a filler, needed some Bucky time.  
> I'm curious though, who do you want the reader/you to end up with?

It felt like betrayal.

But how could it be when he really wasn't yours to begin with? He was free to kiss her, he was free to kiss anyone.

_But it still felt like betrayal._

(Maybe that's what Steve felt when he had walked away after a dared kiss with Bucky, maybe that's why walking away was easier, maybe that's why you did the same when he was kissing her.)

You wanted to curl up in bed and just forget the whole thing, but amends still needed to be made.

When you knocked on Bucky's door, your only hope was that the sting of betrayal that had followed you home wouldn't end up at Bucky's house too.

He opened the door, his tired eyes first boring into yours and then facing the floor.

"We need to talk." It went without saying, the words hanging in the air until he sighed, letting you in.

He looks upset but better than the last time you saw him yet his eyes refused to meet yours and his body faced away. You knew what he was thinking, how he was reminded of all the things he had confessed and how it was still weighing down on him.

"Stop it," it escapes out of your mouth - he looks at you, quizzically.

  
"Buck, i don't hate you. You hate yourself enough for the both of us, you hurt yourself enough that I can't. You are not a villain. I can't hate you, even if I tried. If I did, we wouldn't be stuck in a mess like this; afraid to cause pain when it's inevitable. I wish I hated you, but I don't. So I need you to stop looking at me as if I'm about to yell at you and call you every bad name in the book. Don't get me wrong, I hate that you did it, and it was bad - but that won't change what I feel for you because I know you're sorry. I know you're hurting, I know you've felt so alone. But, James, you have Steve now and if he forgives you, it's about time you forgive yourself too."

"It's not easy." The glum look doesn't leave his face.

"I know that, but you have your _best_ friend back - and he's going to help you, and I'm here, if you-" He hisses at the words and you're taken aback at the sound but the bitter expression doesn't leave his face.

"Okay, um, should I go? Because if you don't want me here, you could've just said so," You play through the hurt.

Bucky stands up and angrily heads towards you as you move away, confused at his change of mood.

"You don't get it, do you? I want you here. I want you everywhere. Everytime I look at you, I think about how I want to kiss every inch of your body and let you know just how much I like you. Everytime I look at you, I want to grab your face and forget the rest of the world as I kiss you hard. Everytime I look at you, I want to lose myself in those eyes of yours. Everytime I look at you, _I want you even more_. Every damn time. But I can't because you're not mine and I can't let you be mine because my best friend loves you too."

He presses himself against you, his lips a centimeter apart from yours, his arms sharply gripping your hips, his legs holding yours in place as he moves it in between them. His lips brush against yours but then he's moving away, back into a corner.

"I need you but I can't have you because that just means I'm repeating the same mistakes, aren't I?"

"He doesn't want me." Maybe you had been a temporary relief, maybe he'd found someone easier to love. But either way, Steve didn't want to love you anymore.

"That's not true." Bucky says, "but you want him anyways, you know you do."

You don't answer and that's enough of an answer for him.

"It's your choice, doll. Who do you want more?"

"I need answers."

"Not the answer to the question," he notes.

"I'm hoping I'll find that one along the way."

"Aren't we all?"


	15. We Built It Up To Pull It Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> VALIDATE ME PLZ  
> ^i'm only slightly kidding.   
> But exciting stuff is happening heree

It seemed like instead of searching for answers, they had ended up right at your door, just in the form of Sharon Carter.

"Look, before you say anything, let me tell you he is such a fucking _idiot_. He thinks he's being noble and all but his plans suck. I mean did you see that- so stupid, someone needs to bonk him on the head and knock some sense in there because he is _so stupid_ \- I mean the nerve of that guy, did you-" She went on and on until you cut her off.

"Sharon, are you...okay?"

"Oh sorry, that kiss? Fake, no feelings, nada, the boy just wants to sacrifice himself and let his two favorite people in the world be together. He's cute and all, but honey, does that boy need some sense knocked into him. I mean, i love the guy but this was the worst plan in the history of plans, I swe- I'm doing it again, aren't I? Right, it's just - _He's. So. Stupid_." She heaved a breath, everything coming out in a rush.

"Look I like him, I mean, who wouldn't? But I refuse to be with somebody who's completely in love with someone else. I'm not going to disrespect you that way and I'm not going to let myself be used like that. He thinks he's not worth a lot, that he's just some boy. I hope you know that he isn't and I hope you'll make him see that too."

"You love him?"

"If I had to pick anybody to break my heart, I wouldn't mind if it was him." She turns away, heading for the door.

It shuts with a soft click and once again, you're left in the silence to think. To make a choice that you don't want to, to hurt somebody you don't want to. 

You lie on your bed, exhausted, the thoughts in your head raging but the weakness in your limbs even more overwhelming.

It doesn't take long for you to be lulled into sleep.

* * *

 

It's funny how with everything changing, there are some things that never will. Little constants in your life; like the fact that you'll be there at school, like the fact that no matter what you'll still have a pile of homework, that no matter what on the first day of every month a teacher wouldn't show up to class.  
All these constants didn't care what was happening with Steve and Bucky, all these constants didn't care about your problems.

So as usual, as everyday, you were in school.   
And as usual, you went through your lessons.  
And as you went through your usual routine, what you weren't expecting was a hand to shoot out of a corridor and grab you.

"Sharon told me she told you."

"Steve, _what the **FUCK**?_ " This had to be the most dramatic way to communicate. He couldn't just, y'know text or talk or start with a hello?

"Look, she doesn't know what she's talking about, the kiss just shocked her."

"You're a shitty liar." This was by the far the worst explanation ever.

He shoves you against the lockers, anger evident in his eyes. It's just enough to show he means business and it's just enough to make sure it doesn't actually hurt you.

"I'm _not_ lying," It comes out as a growl.

"You know what, you can go ahead and pretend that you're lying. We **both** know the truth. But I will have you know, that you don't get to decide who I'm gonna pick. Don't do me any favors. I still loved you, even if you kissed someone else. I still loved him, even if he pushed me away. It just hurts more when you pull this kind of crap."

He may be tough and strong but right now, the energy coursing through your veins makes you think you're definitely as scary as him.

"You don't love me." The words are barely out of his mouth before you shove against his chest in anger.

" **Don't** tell me what I feel," Your voice rises.

"You don't love me," He enunciates every word clearly and slowly, as if trying to provoke you, as if he wants to get a rise out of you.

You shove against him again, and he lets you, allowing himself to be pushed against the opposite wall.

"You wanna try that again, Rogers?" He stares at you, his breath fawning across your face.

In a flash, he switches your positions with you once again pinned against a surface.

"No, I don't." He breathes out before moving away, and hesitates before a question slips out, "Have you decided?"

He continues, "I mean I'm not trying to push you to decide or anything but have you thought about it at all? Me or Bucky?"

"Thought about it, yes," You break off the explanation, a name leaving your lips.

A name that's not Steve's.

A name that he wanted you to pick after all so why did it hurt so much right now?

"Bucky."


	16. Go Ahead, Rip My Heart Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I had to update!!! I had to post early because it was killing me even though I had nothing to actually say after the initial paragraph.   
> Love u, thanks for the validation tho, bless your souls.  
> I'm sorry in advance.

_"Bucky."_

As soon as you utter the words, you see how Steve's shoulders straighten, how his eyes dim, and yet he tries to smile anyway.

You backtrack through your words and then rush to clarify; "No, I didn't pick Bucky. I meant - look, Bucky." You turn his head to Bucky, who's approaching the two of you.

You don't miss the relaxation of Steve's posture, nor the sigh of relief emitting from his mouth.

"Hey, Buck." Steve greets him, and it's nice to see that atleast they're closer now but you don't know how long that's going to last with the impending choice.

"Hey, pal," Bucky replies with a curt nod. "So you chose, huh? And it's him. I mean I'm happy for you and everything but um, i would have thought you'd tell me before, you know, you start making out in the corridor?"

You can't help but notice that he seems just like Steve did a few moments ago and it's scary to think that you caused this - those two happy, relaxed, carefree boys had become drained and forced to fake smiles because of you.

Because you couldn't just be happy admiring from afar.   
Because you couldn't just appreciate when you had one boy, no, you wanted both.

"She didn't choose, Bucky. And no, you're not happy. I wasn't either when five seconds ago I thought she chose you. It hurt. I mean, i want you to be happy and I sure as hell, believe you two would be a great, i mean you are a great match but _that still hurt."_

"I'm sorry." It's all you can offer, even though you know it's no consolation.

"No, it's not your fault. We knew what we were signing up for here, okay? What you choose, whatever it may be - whoever it may be, that doesn't change. Please don't feel guilty because this not only on you, okay? Your only crime was being too lovable. That was a joke- I'm trying to joke, I'm not being serious but please, everything else is true."

"I don't know who to choose." Because it's the truth.

"We can't help with you that one, doll." They're looking at you with sad looks as the words are uttered out of Steve's mouth. 

"Can't I have you both?" It seems less painful, after all. Hell, it's the one where you'd come out happiest.

"Believe me, it would make this easy. But we're too hot blooded when it comes to you. You saw us when we thought you'd chosen the other guy. We're supposed to be best friends but when it comes to you, the jealousy is more than I can bear and I'm sure it's the same for Steve. I _wish_ I could, but I don't think I'm strong enough to know that his hands touch you when I'm not there, that he'll be kissing your lips when I'm not looking, that the love in your eyes might not be for me in the moment. I trust Steve with my life, but I really don't think I could bear to let him have you too."

And you understand that, you really do. You could drop the conversation but you don't.

"So what? We're stuck like this. Where if I'm with him, you can't be happy and if you're with me, Steve can't be happy and eventually we'd end up miserable too because how can this be a good relationship if it started with hurting the person we cared about the most?"

"Please don't-" Steve starts.

"Please don't what? Not talk about this? Because guess what, when we don't, _you_ push me away and _you_ kiss other girls. We are not talking about this and letting it eat us up and I'm done. I'm done pretending that this isn't causing me pain and I'm done pretending that I'm okay with giving you space."

You can see you've angered them, you can see the words hurt them but it felt good getting those words out.

"Fine. Fine! You wanna know what I feel so bad? Then here. I'm angry. I'm angry because you won't put me out my misery and let me know who you've chosen. I'm angry because out of everyone, it's fucking _Steve_ that's the other guy - the guy we already know is the best guy there is. I'm angry because I feel like I'm straight out of a stupid romance novel except I'm pretty sure I won't get the girl. I'm angry because you think this is hurting you but it's hurting me so much more. And most of all, I'm angry that you can't just fucking make up your mind."

Bucky slams the locker, his chest heaving and eyebrows furrowed.

"But most of all, I'm angry that no matter what _I still can't stop loving you."_

* * *

 The I-pick-Bucky-but-I-don't-actually-pick-Bucky thing is highkey copied from [Nightmares](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3604620?view_full_work=true) by IronKhaleesi except it's not really a plot twist thingy there but I would 10/10 recommend. It's a Dean/Reader/Sam with fluff and angst and smut and everything in between and you're being shared by them so ahhh. Please beware that the content can be triggering so please don't read it if you're not sure you can handle it because I love all u cuties and I'd hate for you to go through that.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHA you guys, did you really think the choice would be so abrupt? That would be a really poor literary decision on my part.  
> But it's been torturous not replying to your comments because I was so tempted to give it away.  
> I'm sorry if the last chapter left you asking wtf just happened but idk kinda wanted to torture you oops.   
> I promise I won't do it again... Or will I?


	17. But I Cannot, Baby Girl, And That's The Issue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re edited this ||  
> I don't feel as enthralled with this story as I once did so it should be ending in the next chapter or so, guys!  
> Thankyou so much for the kudos and comments and feedback in general, i hope that doesn't end.  
> I've also been editing the early chapters, just to make it less cringey haha.

"Hey, kid," Natasha's voice fills the silence as you sit in the library.

You half heartedly protest about the usage of 'kid' as she plops down next to you. A sigh escapes your lips, already knowing that she wants to know who you'll pick just like everyone else, just like yourself.

"I don't know," You say, no point in beating around the bush.

"I think you do." Her brow arches as she leans in like she's telling you a secret, "I think you've known for a while."

"You don't know what I feel," It angers you to see that everyone seems to think that. As if they know every thought through your head, as if you're so _predictable_.

"I never said I knew. But right now, it's easy to tell."

"Then why don't you tell me?! Because I don't know, I can't tell-" Your voice rises but the librarian angrily shuts you down before you continue.

"Someone's going to get hurt - you can't stop that. You can minimize the damage though..let yourself get that happiness you deserve." Her hands comfortingly brushes against yours, soothing your temper.

"I don't think you deserve to be happy after hurting somebody like him."

"Him?" Natasha smirks in victory.

"I said them." Right? You did, didn't you?

Your eyebrows furrow in confusion but Natasha doesn't push.

"Maybe you're right. Maybe you don't deserve it but _they_ deserve it. He deserves to know you chose him.  _He_ deserves to know you didn't. Right now, they're wondering. Maybe you won't give them an answer but they'll keep wondering. Is it me? Is it me? Take it from someone who knows, it hurts not knowing." She gazes downwards, as if she was ashamed that she'd felt that way.

"How did you..cope?"

"You know what the funny thing is? I'm not sure I ever even loved him. I was attracted, sure but was it more than that? I don't remember. But even then, it killed me. It killed me to think I might not be good enough, that even though he loved me first - his love was weak. He found someone else when I was right there. Did I do that? Was I so horrible? Or was it me not loving him as much as he loved me?"

It's the most expressive you've ever seen Natasha.

"In the end, he didn't pick either of us. And it still hurt. So how do you think they're going to manage when they _do_ love you? The not knowing hurts, it keeps you up when you feel like shit, it hurts when you're already wounded."

Her confession causes you to grimace. 

"I don't want to do this." Because you didn't.

"You don't have a choice." Because you don't. 

"I haven't picked yet." It's a whisper when it weasels its way out of your lips.

"Yes, you have." Natasha whispers right back.

"I don't want to hurt them." Your voice cracks.

"Don't you _see_? You already have." 


	18. I Apologize Even Though I Know It's Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK, AYEE.  
> Also really sorry for not updating sooner, it's a lil longer to make up for the delay.

If you were a stronger person, you'd walk away. Boys are just boys and you'd choose yourself; the most important of all. If you were a better person, you'd turn back. Who were you to come in between two best friends? If you were a kinder person, you'd have chosen long ago - before you were all so emotionally invested. If you were a smarter person, there would been no need to pick at all; you'd always have known.

But you weren't that person yet.

Right now, you feared hurting **him** with your choice. Right now, you worried for the relationship that would shift. Right now, you wondered how things would turn out.  
A part of you comforted yourself; no matter what, you'd be loved by him and you'd love him just the same. He'd be there, he'd understand.

There was a lot to panic over but who you chose wasn't one.

It's funny, isn't it?  
The whole conflict had been so; because you didn't know, because you couldn't just choose one. And now here you were, and though you weren't sure of anything else, you were sure who you wanted.

It's funny, isn't it?  
You'd dreamed of one of them and then you'd dreamed of another and somehow reality had found a way to scramble up the way they'd interwoven themselves into your life. Things because you were almost ready to lose but still not quite because though you were exhausted, it had been worth it.

  
And yet, you're still so terrified.  
Still so, so terrified.  
And you're not sure of what, but it's enough to cause you to not knock on his door and turn away everytime you see him come close.

Until it's driving you crazy -  
Like guilt, like a _burden_ ; weighing you down until you're drowning. You know you should tell them but you can't, you can't, you can't.

You can't, but as the night curls around you, you find yourself walking.  
You can't, but as the wind blows, you're knocking on a door.  
You can't but as the sounds of footsteps echoe, you're there.

And you're still a coward, you're still a coward because you picked the easy one first.  
The one you didn't have to hurt, the one you didn't have to cause pain.

 _He_ opens the door, and it's a defeated look on his face.

He expected this, you can tell.  
He expected it to not be him at all.

"It's okay." He offers a sad smile, as if he's accepted his fate. He turns away, ready to shut the door,  
"I'll be fine, go to him - tell him, he'll be happy; I'm happy. For you. For him."

"I choose **you** ," and his eyes widen, as if he never even believed he'd stood a chance.  
The words aren't enough then; you need him to understand that it's him, it really is. So you reach for his neck and guide his lips towards yours and you're whispering, "it's you, it's you, it's _you_ ," and you're so ready for him to feel your love through an embrace, through a kiss.

But he pulls away, and the words spill out of him.  
"No, no, no, no, this is wrong, you chose _**wrong**_."

He doesn't look you straight in the eye and he tugs at his hair in frustration and suddenly he's a mess as if he's the one you had to hurt with your answer.

When he finally looks at you, it occurs to you - maybe he is.

"I was ready for it to be him! It wasn't, isn't supposed to be! I'm not supposed to- he's supposed to- you weren't," and you can see he's overwhelmed but you don't understand.

This hadn't been a fear at all.

After everything, he'd love you right back just as you had loved him.

"But I love you." He lets out a strangled noise and you understand. 

You'd chosen him but he won't allow himself to choose you.

"Please don't say that, if you say that, i can't-" And he's flustered and his speech is broken but the words are enough, enough to hurt, enough to cause pain.

"I love you," You say it again, and it's louder, causing him to flinch and shake his head.

"I love you," and it's a desperate plea now and you can see that he's barely holding it together and the panic erupts in you again.

"Steve, please." Your voice cracks, "Please don't leave me,"

And then he's holding on to you but it's not enough, it's not enough because this is _goodbye_.

"I _do_ , I love you, I love you, I love you but I can't do this to him, you know that. I have to let you go, i have to. He's all i had when you weren't there and I can't take you away, okay? I love you, let me go, I love you, I _need_ to let you go," he's whispering into your ear, and it should be comforting and soft like everything else he's ever said but it's not because this is goodbye, _this is goodbye._

"Steve," and it's a broken word because you don't know what to say.

"I can't make this one better, I can't, I'm sorry. I love you, I'm sorry," You feel his tears and you desperately clutch onto him, hoping it's enough to never let him go and make him change his mind but it's not and you know it.

"I don't want to let you go."

"There's no other choice, doll," he manages a chuckle but it's forced and his grip tightens on you as he memorizes the feel of you until he finally says goodbye for the last time.

"But there is; pick _**me**_ ," Doesn't he see?

"You know I can't," he needs to let you go but his fingers don't pull away and you're still wrapped up in his arms and it hurts, it hurts because this is the last time.

As you shake in his arms, he finally lets go.

Finger by finger, inch by inch and he's apologizing, knowing it's not enough but it's all he can offer.

You're mumbling his name, and it hurts to hear it.

He's pushing you out and it pains to see how you don't even fight back, still so in shock.

"Steve, I love you,"

He wills himself to shut the door in your face.  
(He'll allow himself to cry when you're gone.)

 


	19. Bittersweet Tragedy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long overdue and not very good, apologies in advance.

It's silent.  
Silent in the air, silent in your heart, silent in your mind.

There were so many thoughts before but now they're all gone; stuck in the place where your had once believed you had covered every outcome.

The worst part is you're not even done yet. You still had Bucky to hurt, to tell him that he wasn't the one you picked.

Not that it mattered, your choice hadn't exactly done you any good. Somehow, you found yourself hurt anyway, didn't you?

If you were worse, you could have pretended that Bucky had been your choice all along and Steve was just a nightmare who you'd finally forgotten. But you couldn't do that to Bucky, or Steve or to yourself.

(You can't handle another rejection.)

You want to stay cocooned in your room, where it is silent but also painless, numb.   
And so you do.

But it's not enough. It's silent and it's numb but your mind still finds itself replaying the words you didn't want it to.

The tears never spill over.  
(You think you ran out of them when you walked away from him.)

The memory doesn't fade.  
(And it hurts _so_ bad.)

Steve doesn't call you, you don't call Bucky.   
(It's too hard.)

You're all alone in the house a few days later and the silence lives on. You catch yourself peeking at the house across the street, hoping for a glimpse of Steve; wondering if it's tearing him apart as much as it's burning through you.

You try to convince yourself to get over it; you still have you, after all. In a way, you're even lucky because it didn't get far and it won't hurt as much as a proper breakup.

You tell yourself to get over it because he wasn't even that special; he isn't that important.

And you're trying so hard to build yourself with these lies, each worse than the next but you can't, you _can't_.

You have you but it doesn't feel like it's enough - not right now.

* * *

 

You hadn't really realized how Steve had impacted your world. You were so busy falling for Bucky and then school and then worrying about this or that or the next best thing that you forgot to look at Steve, properly anyway. You didn't want to be his friend but this emptiness, this loss of comfort and warmth it reminded you of everytime he'd been yours.

You couldn't blame him.

(You would anyway.)

He had done what was right even if you didn't agree with it, even if he didn't agree with it. You knew that he wasn't going to be selfish with you, that he was going to do right by Bucky. And maybe you weren't worth it, but that's okay, right?

He was countering the pain you'd cause Bucky, after all.

He was doing what you'd want but never ask your best friends to do.

And you know all that, _God, you do_ but it still _hurts_.  
It hurts so bad.

* * *

 

You'll be fine, one day. You'll be able to laugh about it, and smile and wonder how could you have ever considered this the end of the world.

But right now, right now you'd mourn. Mourn the boy you couldn't have, mourn the person you'd lose, mourn the love you couldn't give and the love you couldn't get.  
You'd mourn right now, so you'll be okay later.

Your dreams were of him. In a reality where you'd get to ask questions and he'd answer with kisses. Where he'd cuddle you close and hold your hand absentmindedly. You would do everything a cliché couple would do and in the moment, you wouldn't care because this is happy, this is _good_.

 _"What do you dream about Steve?"_  
You remember asking him, but you don't remember his answer.   
You wonder if it was like this.  
You wonder when he fell in love with you.  
You wonder about a lot of things, but the truth is you're never going to get a reply.

Three harsh knocks snap you out of your reverie. It was only a matter of time; even if you didn't have the courage to face him, he'd find his way to you.

You're still not prepared.

You sluggishly head towards the door as the knocks turn into bangs. Bucky's in the process of knocking again when you open the door, unable to generate a greeting - just allowing him in, leaving the door wide open, preparing for a quick chat.

He stays silent for a second, taking you in. Noticing the deadness in your face and the numbness in your eyes.

"I'm sorry." The words take you by surprise, and he fills in: "I know it isn't me."

"Steve told you?" You didn't think he would.

"He wants us to be together. I don't think that works by telling me that I'm yours by default. But no, he didn't. He didn't need to, I think I always knew." The guilt resurfaces but you push it down.

"So why are you here?" The words are bitter and you're not sure why.

"Because I love you." The words stab you, a cruel, cruel reminder.

"Please don't. Go away, Bucky. If you know it's not you, why are you here?"

"Because I love you." And you see it, another reminder. It had been you, hadn't it? Desperate pleas of _i love you'_ s and _Steve_ 's, hoping to change his mind from the inevitable goodbye lingering on his lips.

"But I don't love you! Don't you get it?" You're angry and it's not even at him but it feels so good to yell, even if he doesn't deserve it, even if it's not exactly true. You had loved him, but you had loved Steve more. And somehow Bucky being miserable made you feel less alone; binded by the pain of people who couldn't totally love you back the way you wanted them to.

"I know." It's a pained reply, "I _know_."

"I know that it isn't me. And even if it was, I told you I'd do the same thing he did. I'd let you go for him-"

"And that's supposed to make me feel better?" Rejected once again, the words sting.

"No, it isn't. I know you want him, I'm not here to change your mind. I wouldn't do that to us."

"Please, Bucky, I can't okay, just stop loving me. Stop talking, stop being here. Go away, i _can't._ " It's too much then, there's too many feelings and too much hurt and you can barely handle your own, let alone the grief he brings with him.

"Don't you think I've tried? I've tried, again and again but I keep getting roped back in. Im here and _I_ can't! Let me be here for you, stop pushing me away! He didn't pick you, and I'm sorry but being a bitch about it won't change his mind. He loved you, he _loves_ you and that's why he did what he did and you know it!" Bucky loses his composure, bringing with it your own anger and tears but most of all, more pain.

"I do know it and it hurts so bad. I just wanted him to love me, and I wanted to not hurt anybody and it's not working, it's not _working_. I didn't _think_ he'd say no. I thought about things being weird and hurting you and it was all supposed to turn out okay because he'd be there but he's not, Bucky. He's not here and I don't want to make things right. I want you to hurt, I want him to hurt and I don't know why -" You collapse on the ground, a mess of sobs and broken words and you're dragging him down with you.

He holds you tight, shushing you while peppering you with kisses.   
It should be soothing and perfect and everything in between but it's not.

It's not because it isn't Steve's kisses. It isn't Steve's arms.

It's not Steve. 

It's not the person you want.

"Bucky, no, no, no. Please don't, it should be Steve, but it's not, it's you."

The incoherent words hurt Bucky.   
Not because you rejected him but because the mess you've become had become more evident.

"I know, and I'm sorry, doll, I'm so sorry. I wish, for you, that it was him. And I wish, for me, that I was enough. He didn't want to hurt you, he didn't want to, I know it. He did this for me and I tried to tell him, not to. I need you to know that I tried. I love you and I love him and I want you to be happy. Please don't cry, please don't."

"Why wasn't I enough, Bucky?"

"You are more than enough, please don't think any less of yourself." The sobs are tearing out of you and you can't stop, _you can't stop._

"You're saying everything I want but it feels so wrong. It feels so bad because you're not him. I'm sorry I did this to you, if I'd made up my mind or stayed away, you wouldn't be in this mess too. I'm sorry you fell in love with me."

"I'm not. Not for that, never. I asked you to show me, remember? I don't regret that."

"I do. I hate myself for loving you and I hate myself for loving him. I hate you both for making me. I hate you so much."

You weakly pound against his chest as he whispers _"no, you don't."_

"I wish I did, i really do."

"No, you don't." Except it isn't Bucky's words. It's Steve.

He stands in your doorway, sadness in his voice and eyes.

"No you don't," he repeats and you snap once again.

" _You did this to me!"_ Your voice breaks along with your heart because this is it, the goodbye you're saying to both of them.  
You're never going to speak again, you can tell.

They're going to try and let you go.

"Why did you do this to me?"  
He smiles, a sad bitter smile, and doesn't answer.

You didn't need one. Not really.

Because he never did this to you. You let yourself fall in love with him and he let you invade his every thought and you allowed Bucky to hurt you just the way he'd allowed himself to let you in.

And you'd let yourself do it again even if it hurt just as much, even if it ended up the same way.

For now, you'd blame them.   
But in the end you'd still be a fool for them; addicted to them like a drug.


	20. I'M BACK

So I just kind of stopped writing because life got in the way but I'm back and wondering if anyone would like to see more marvel stuff? 

I have an incomplete Steve Rogers/Reader that I'm gonna work over soon and I just updated my Dean/Reader/Sam fic after like two years.

Honestly I kind of want to write something involving Jim Kirk because I'm a sucker for Chris Pine but I don't know if anyone's into that?

Let me know any ideas or suggestions, I could use the help.


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